Wednesday, May 4, 2011


I'm not home.

Don't worry, there are two very large, powerful men staying in my house protecting my life.  Besides, I really only own three valuable things. One...I'm using it to type on here at the airport.  Two...she's probably sleeping on the back of the couch right now, dreaming of chasing the neighbor's cat.  Three...I'd like to see somebody try to steal my quilt machine.  How would a criminal explain that injury on their insurance form?  Work related?  Ha!

I'm off on a vacation and it's a good thing...I'm exhausted from getting ready for it.  It's so much work vacating your life, even if it's only for a short time.  If you're planning on taking a trip soon, here's a list to help you remember things to do before you leave home....

1.  Dot all your "i's" at work.  That means open every box, place every order and dump as much work as possible on your coworkers.  They will hate you but it feels really good.

2.  Make sure you have plenty of dog food AND bird food.  The bird may be able to eat the dog food, but the dog certainly can't eat the bird food.  Wouldn't it be weird if I came home and my bird was barking and my dog was chirping?

That was random...and disturbing.

3.  Change all sheets on all beds.  This is in case my house sitters decide to play Goldilocks.

4.  Clean out refrigerator.  I always do that so my house sitters won't spread vicious rumors about me around the community.  And I may want them to play this gig again.

5.  Erase all unnecessary recordings on the DVR.  Heaven forbid my recorder be too full to catch American Idol.  I plan to watch it at my daughter's house, but if the wrong person gets sent home I don't want to cry where people can see me.  I'll stuff my grief until I get home.

6.  Take trash to the dump.  Duh.

7.  Put gas in the car.  My return flight comes in at dark thirty so friends will drop my car at the airport.  It would be sad to run out of gas when I know I will be completely out of gas.  My bed will be calling my name.

8.  Explain to cute doggie that you will return.  I usually lie and tell her I"ll bring her something.  It helps us both.

9.  Buy snacks and magazines before you get to the airport.  I hate paying 1.99 for a small bag of Fritos...which I just did.  But, in-flight pretzels are not gluten free.  And seeing it's after midnight, I'm pretty impressed that I thought of that at all.

10.  Yikes!  My flight is boarding.  But I saved the best for last...I'll hurry.

Whatever it is, I forgot.

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