Friday, March 18, 2011

My Perfect Man

I decided not to date while I was raising my kids, and I asked God to help me keep that commitment.  He totally did, because nobody asked. 

My friends tell me I spent all my time surrounded by gaggles of teenagers and sporting a sign on my forehead that said, “Not Interested”.  That might have helped, too.

My kids are grown now; they are both college graduates (or soon will be) and happily married.  So, guess what?  I’m interested.

Alaska has a reputation for having lots of single men and few single women, but…well, I’ll just repeat a saying I’ve heard a lot….

The odds are good but the goods are odd.

(If you are a normal, single Alaskan man, I apologize profusely.)

So, what’s a girl to do?

Not too long I ago, I screwed up my courage and decided to join eHarmony.

Filling out the personal survey was a daunting task.  I had to lie once; they asked how much time I usually spend crying and my average was up that month.  But I was truthful about everything else.  I completed the survey, paid my money and waited for My Perfect Man.

(BTW, eHarmony doesn’t make any of my personal information available, not even my email address.  And they only send men who are Christians.  Or appear to be.)

Things didn’t quite happen like I thought they would. I didn’t get hundreds of matches.  And for awhile, the overwhelming majority of the matches I received were men several inches shorter than me, over 10 years older than me, and from the Deep South.

I thought that was interesting.

And then there were these guys…

Asked what was most important to him in life, one guy answered, “God and sex". Delete.

If the first question they ask me is, “How important is intimacy to you in a relationship?” I delete them.  They don’t know me well enough to ask that question.  I don't know me well enough to ask that question.

Sadly, if they have poor spelling and grammar, I delete them.

Yesterday I had a guy who listed his job as “unemployed”.  Really?  Then why is he paying money to dink around on eHarmony?  Delete.

If they look like a creepy stalker dude, I delete them.  Seriously, I figure they post their best picture, right?  If that’s their best, what is their reality??

Business has been picking up; I’ve had lots of promising matches lately.  But I’ve run into another problem...

They aren't interested in me.
I know, right?  I'm as shocked as you are.

I don’t take it too personally, because the truth is they rarely even check out my profile.  Since my first name doesn’t appear too threatening, I guess the word ALASKA must be.  The rare few that do check me out don’t send me questions, or send the wrong questions and get deleted.

Honestly, I don' think I look like a creepy stalker chick in my pictures.  Daisy doesn't either.  And my girlfriend assured me that my profile is kind of funny and well written.

This creates a problem, because I state right on my profile that I believe in chivalry and if they want to get to know me, they will have to initiate contact.  And I’m not changing it, because I just don’t think it’s too much to ask.  

So, what’s a girl to do?

I know, trust God.  I do and I will. 

I would like you to know some important things about My Perfect Man that eHarmony didn’t ask.  If you have a desire to do some matchmaking, please take care of these prerequisites before you get my hopes up, ‘kay?

  1. He must be in charge of light bulbs, buying them and changing them.
  2. He has to be willing, when necessary, to have the dog put to sleep. 
  3. He must be good at putting lights on the Christmas tree. 
  4. Snow will be his responsibility
  5. If he’ll weed whack, I’ll mow.
And PLEASE be sure he understands something very, very important.

The odds are good but the goods are odd.


  1. "The odds are good but the goods are odd."
    I laughed out loud.
    Love your blog, Katers. I am having coffee with Frank Barone on Saturday, Wish you could come. . .